I cummed and ejaculated...

I dunno if I broke the rule??? If I broke my pact with God not to masturbate for a year as a sacrifice to get my sister's brain tumor healed???

Of course I allowed myself a little break to watch as much porn as I wanted, except on Holy Days. In fact I was even allowing myself 'wet dreams' as I had no control of my what ever I dreamt.

And yet it still happened? Yes, I ejaculated. I cummed. Without touching myself.

Ok yes, I watching a lot of porn that night, but that's just it. I wasn't moving or rubbing anything. Just sitting, engaged in whatever I was watching. What it felt like was just a really really full cock, my cock, super full of cum, and then it all just flowed out. Aaahhhh.

I must admit, it was a relief. I read somewhere that medically it's very healthy to have sex (though this wasn't really my case) and ejaculate. I needed this somehow. Oh FUCK yeah...I've been sober for 10 months (not including my wet dream a couple of months back).

But was this a sin? Did I break the pact?

Callers please...

As I was driving back from work, popular Sydney radio station Nova 96.9 was seeking for callers who were still closeted.

I was tempted to call and get my story heard on the radiso by all masa. But I dared not. They were pretty friendly about it and they just wanted to hear people's stories as to why they haven't come out and what's kinda stopping them. Both DJ's had gay people in their lives. The dude's best mate is gay and the lady's brother was gay.

Tempting. But the price they offered wasn't all that so I held back.

One guy who was 19 called and he had a really sexy voice. So fuckable it made me wet just imagining what he looked like. He sounded like a really blokey bloke too. He said he was sneaking around trying to see his new boyfriend and his mates would totally laugh at him if they found out, since he seemed like a player back then with all his girlfriends. His Dad would probably spew too since his new boyfriends name is someone from the Simpson's and his Dad hates that guy. So yeah...

But I liked how he ended it. He said his life is pretty exciting at the moment sneaking around and all. It's like his "...little own secret love life" Awww...

So take off yer pants already!!!hehehe

Trimmed.hehe

As I sat quietly at V (as there were hardly any customers) I noticed the new kids at work doing their own thing. New kid Bryan was in and out cleaning my section (which is what I'm really supposed to be doing.haha) I checked him out up and down and noticed that he carried himself well. The only thing was, he's on the thin side. I don't do twinks.

Well...

Until he finally presented himself and said hello.

I love it when guys take over.

He was quite talkative. I learnt that he's from the coast, he's 23 (I thought he was 18 so I was afraid to approach him), he's a muso, he liked Technoman (some anime) when he was young and he's living in La Perouse at the moment.

He said hello twice. *blush* And he wants to see my drawings. (even though we've just met)

He's not the cutes thing and I didn't notice if he had blue eyes, and his mouth is kinda crooked when he talks...but like I said, I like it when the guy makes the first move.

It's nice to be noticed...

Things are sorta looking up. (I guess)

I went E&I's house (warming) party because they're two of my great friends from work. Though it's really against my religion to go to parties at midnight, I've had 9 hours sleep already and I was wide awake. Plus I didn't want to dissapoint so I went anyways not expecting anything.

By 1am, Ricardo and Emilio turned up. This party had finally raised the level from 1 to 9. Yay!!!

Luckily E&I's kitchen was pretty small and we had a small group in there chatting so it was a little intimate. When Ricardo-hun so me he immediately twisted my nipple as a hello. *cheeky bastard* I reacted a little and winced and he retorted back, "How come you can touch me and I can't touch you back???" We both laughed after he had thought of what he had said and realised that I had never touched him that way.hahaha

The rest of the night seemed to have flowed nicely into little funny conversations. He readily admitted that he is poor and tries to wear the same stuff and can't laundry. I don't know if that's a good thing or not?haha

I guess I got to know him a little better.

When Wil had to go home, they hugged and he fropped Wil's ass 3 times. Wil said something along the lines of, "We can't do that kind of stuff here." Ric commented back, "Ok, we should do that at work where it's dark. We can't show these people our real selves as yet." (in his cute Italian accent)

I sparks of the morning really happened when I took him, Emilio and Katarina home in their respected places.

I took Emilio home first and Ric said that I was very sweet to drop him off right in front of his place and started to caress my hair from the back of the car. Hmmm...he had really nice soft hands.

Then it was his turn next and we were joking around. Unfortunately, Katarina was still in the car and it kinda dampened things a little bit. But Ric was on the prowl, drunk and very intent. Before he left the car, he asked me two questions. One, "When do I see you again?" and two, "Can I kiss you?" I had to think about that because Katarina was present. But she was all grown up about it and said she wouldn't look. I hesitated, she covered her eyes and he waited.

I finally gave in and said, "Errr...only if you want to." Then he grabbed my face and kissed me gently on the cheek.

Wow.

Now I don't know if this was caused by all the alcohol or there's really something there? I ssssooooo ssssoooo wish.

This morning I had an odd dream about priest that I supposedly knew. I don't remember much of it besides us talking about his priesthood. Then he wanted me to ride his back and I did. All I could think about was my cock running behind his back. We tried to look for a safe empty toilet for us to romp. I know something about this is very wrong and sick, but I was quite turned on about it. We finally found a very seculed spot and we were about to kiss and get it on, when a bunch of school boys were also trying to get into that bathroom. Two of the boys were already inside feeling each other too in the same cubicle wearing their maroon uniform and jacking each other off. The priest I was with tried to get them out of the cubicle but got involved in the action and started pashing the boys too. The priest's looks started to change. He looked older with long white hair and very pasty skin as he took his pants off.

Towards the end of the dream, someone finally barged through the door whom felt like a woman. Then England was flooded. That's right, that was the efen end of my dream as I woke up to Sydney's first day of Spring. Weird.

Then this news comes on...

paedophilia" by a former priest accused of sexually assaulting youngsters, a Sydney court has been told.

Brian Joseph Spillane, a former chaplain at St Stanislaus College in Bathurst, faced Sydney's Downing Centre Local Court on Tuesday over a raft of new sexual assault charges.

He has been charged with an additional 29 counts of indecently assaulting 11 males and females, bringing the total number of charges


Seriously??? You can hypnotize boys to have sex with you??? Wow!!!

I lied again. I have to stop this at work.

Em was nice enough to defend me amongst those that are asking behind my back.

"Is he gay?" Em totally denied it for me. She told me someone was asking yesterday. Then she went on, "Man...if you are gay, I would be soooo embarassed."

How do you reply to that. Sheesh. :(

Something strange happened this morning which I couldn't understand.

I was taking a nap in the car and my mind was going everywhere. Basically just worries and the sort. Nothing sexual at all.

And yet, I was getting hard. I couldn't understand it. It's like my cock had a mind of it's own. Coz' I wasn't at all thinking anything of the sort???

Odd.

I'm feeling a lot melancholy. It's kinda wet outside and Mum and I have just seen "In the Land of Women" again. Adam Brody is sooo cool. And I think I'm going to use the word 'phenomenal' in replacement to 'awesome' from now on. 'Awesome' has become overused. I was actually teaching that to a French guy who came by at work today whose English is kinda bad.

Whilst watching the movie, I was also reading Notebook magazine, just 'coz I've already seen the movie. There was a page where they were showcasing how to cook and bake nectarines, peaches and the lot. Very summer fruits. And the first page had a fruit pie. (maybe with peaches?) Yum! Then I remembered 'Pushing Daisies' and how the dude there makes so much awesome pies. And I thought, I want to find awesome pie places in Sydney. Just like that. Then I can munch on them and gobble them up.

Then I thought of Wilson. Not in that way. Just 'coz we're becoming good friends. Good enough friends to start a bromance. And I wanted to text him. Tell him that we should hang out again and find a really cool pie place and have coffee. Except he doesn't drink coffee. But then again I didn't want to text him anymore. Just 'coz I text him too much and I don't want to come off the wrong way. He was telling me the other day how he was checking his phone and re-read all his messages and I think he mentioned that 90% of his text messages was from me. Whoops! Stalker. Yuk! Well at least he kept all my messages.

And I realised there and then that that's me calling out. Me wanting to share myself. Not so much blabber on the phone, but just share myself. I mean I hate talking about myself, but I love sharing my thoughts. And I've become very good at that. Through texting. I've become an avid texter!!! Is anything wrong with that? Not that anyone really reads this blog. Just sharing myself here is enough I guess.

Oh BTW, I think I should really end it with Justin. Not that there's anything going on between us. But I called the florist that I usually call to send him flowers. And I wanted to send him flowers for Valentines Day. Of course. And all was going well. I even went to the bank and put money on my credit card just to make sure all goes well. And the lady on the other end knew about me. My feelings for Justin and all that jazz. Until...

Until she called me back this afternoon telling me about her husbands note to her. That the last time they delivered flowers to him, he told them not to come anymore. That when someone orders flowers for him, that they should just throw the flowers out. That's pretty sad dude. It kinda broke my heart. *tear* And I pondered about that a lot on the train home. That either he doesn't like flowers or just doesn't want anything to do with me. Ever!

That hurts dude.

And I thought, well I don't even know if he knows that it's me? Because for the last month or two we haven't spoken. Not a decent conversation during the last months. And he looked like he was disgusted with me. For flowers? What the Fuck!? He should be so lucky. That someone even thought to be romantic and show him all this love.

Do you think my love is wasted? Because I want to share myself and heck, I'm not a bad catch. Like seriously.

And so I got to thinking why I'm so hung up on this guy. Why oh why I cannot move forward. Why can't I just pick myself up and hook myself to someone else? Someone better. Someone who wold love me back and appreciate me for who I am. And the answer is...

Because stupid cupid has shot his arrow. Fuck! On me! Double fuck!

I'm so screwed.

I was reading this article on Notebook by this woman author who loves writing about romance. And there was a question about what romance is? And it's true what she said. That it's different for everyone. It is. And then she goes on about how she loves writing about moments. Like how this super cool dude in a tie and a suit washed the dog of the woman he liked and never took his suit off. Even if it was getting wet and full of suds. And that was a moment. How it defined 'Love' in a such a small way, but those are the lasting memories. One's that makes you gush and blush and have warm fuzzy feelings.

My warm and fuzzy feeling with Justin was when I was cleaning the coffee machine once and he had his back on me. Then he kept turning around and looking at me and I kept wondering what he was doing. And then he leaped and came across me and said, "I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here!" Then my heart skipped a beat, the arrow in my heart dug deeper and I fell in love even more. I mean who says that to a person???

So now, after watching "In the Land of Women" with my Mum, and I'm feeling all melancholy, I was thinking, the florist was just a small hurdle. That if my love for Justin is bigger than my heart, then I should make the effort and drive to Justin's house by the morning and drop a bunch or roses whether he liked it or not.

Persistence goes a long way!!!

MEN ARE SHIT!!! >:/

Finally got to see Slumdog Millionaire! (by myself!!! :D) I thought it was one of the smartest movies made, feeding on our past and seeing how important they are to us. The boy who fell on shit I thought was an amazing talent! So natural in front of the camera at such a young age. The movie gave you a really good look at India's slums contrasted by the new and rich condominiums being made for the wealthier folks. But most of all, I appreciated the love story. It such a different love story. A pure one. From the hands of destiny, which more often than not, we wished we had too. 9.5 out of 10!

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This is also a side note to my "Men Are Shit!" remark...they are!!!

If you've been reading my blog, then you would know that one of my New Years resolution was to 'Date' this year! I haven't. Only because I haven't found a likely candidate. Justin's still not talking to me and Adrian's kinda out of the picture. Emed just doesn't see me that way, and even though a million people pass my work each and everyday, no one's paid that much attention.

So to fill the void, I've started hanging out with guy friends. I don't often do this because the topic of conversations always seems to end up in sex or drinking. And I can't donate any information to the conversations because a) I don't drink and b) I'd rather talk about the male anatomy.hahaha

But I'm a little desperate. So... I've hanged out with Wil on his birthday. He was super late and paid no attention to my instructions to come on time. Men are shit! This time around, I invited Max and Seb to come and see this movie with me. Since we were all hanging out already in the morning...why not let the fun continue on to the evening. I only parted with Seb because he had to take his girlfriend back to the city 'coz she's going to work. I parted with Max because I was going to church first. But we all agreed to meet in two hours.

Well...I was doged. Both fell asleep and forgot. I should be able to understand, but I can't. I too woke up much earlier than they did today and had to drive for 2 hours whilst theys slept in the car. I had to work yesterday for 12 hours while they didn't. We all got home at midnight! Seb on the way to the city had 2 hours extra sleep. Max fell asleep on the car twice. How can they be both more tired than I was???

Dogs!!!

Men are shit!!! But Seb was more of a pile of shit because he was only 2 minutes away from the cinema. I didn't expect him to be all beautified and smelling nice. I just wanted to see the movie with someone!!! Max on the other hand was an hour away. Even if he tried, he'd miss half of the movie already.

MEN ARE SHIT!!!

So Wilson finally found the souvenir he had bought for me from Port Stephens and gave it to me tonight. He bought me a brown bracelet type-a-thing. (not really my cup of tea, but heck, nothing to lose) Anywho, he reckons it shall lift off the curse I told him about.

What curse did you ask? The curse that my siblings and I will not be in any relationship for a very long time. It's been awhile for all of us!?!?!?

Hope he's right. (though I'm unto him. I know he's playing tricks on my mind)

Oh btw...I think I'm also cursed to fall in love with 16 year olds. Like seriously. Sick I know...

My heart hurts. It's seems as though even if I've screamed the desires of my heart to the universe and have repeatedly prayed to God...

...wishes don't come true. :(

As of November 4th 2008, the Australian Population count is:

21,476,857

And yet...

I cannot find one man for me. Just someone to connect with, someone whom to share my life with. And I often wonder if I'm looking at the wrong places or hanging out with just the wrong people.

How sad. :(

How random...

Out of the blue, as I was watching the very first episode of Family Guy S01, mum comes out of the kitchen and says, "...magpakasal ka na. Tapos magkaroon ka ng isang anak. Kahit di ninyo mahal ang isa't isa. Pakasalan mo kaya yung Haponesa, yung kaibigan mo. Si Tomomo? Yun pakasalan mo yun!"

I had to laugh. It was so random. I know where she's coming from and I wish I could have a love child with someone. Someone to continue the family heirloom. But that may not be the future for me.

It could've been caused by the package I've recieved today from Ayumi. My Japanese exchange language friend when I was living in Japan. We made a pact that we'd send each other packages of food and snacks when we travel. Hence the package...then Mum's speech.

I gave it some thought and maybe...just maybe, Mum does know. She knows like all mother's do. And she's just looking out for me even if there's sadness in between the whole marriage and have a child thing...

Who knows?