Efen Justin didn't turn up to work. I have no idea why!!!

I'M SO FURIOUS!!!

Furious because I don't know what happened. And I'm playing princess and restraining myself from texting him after yesterday's haloovaa.

And now I'm going crazy thinking of things that could've happened. Like he went to a party or something which was more enticing than work and he could've been invited by a girl he was smitten for for ages and they had sex. FUCK!!! I'm going crazy!!!

Mga ate...help!!!

I can't get Justin out of mah head. (avah! parang Kylie Minogue song yun ah) "Boy your love is all I think about..."hahaha

Kasi naman, si Kuya Fais from DL nag-advice advice pa. Sabi nya, live life to the fullest daw. Kahit na alam kong masasaktan ako, sige, hala bira daw. Minsan nga lang naman akong makakatikim ng isang blue eyed adonis at lakasan ko raw ang loob ko.

So ayun ako kagabi, nagpakagah-gah na.

At work, I tried to try and speak to him as much as I could in his 4 1/2 shift. Konting shake hand, konting flirt. Konting help. (muntik na syang agawin sa kin nung bading na manager namin. Uh-uh...akin yan!!! Don't touch or I'll wring your neck!!!)

Si Justin naman, flirt din back. At kung makatingin sa akin...nakakatunaw. As my cousin would say...Gosh!!!hahaha

Nung break ko, finally, nasa point 1 nanaman sya. Favourite spot daw nya yun. (siguro kasi palagi nya kong nakikita.hahaha) Eh tamang tama naman, break ko. Shet. Nakita nya kong dala yung Burger King ko with my drink and sundae...at hinihingi nya sa akin. Shet shet shet...kung kaya ko lang, isinubo ko na sa kanya lahat yun. Waaaahhhh!!!)

Balik break ako and all I wanted to do was give him free soft drinks. Kasi daw "Piss small" yung binigay sa kanyang tubig. Sabi ko sa kanya, intayin nya ko.

So binigyan ko sya ng Lemon & Lime Bitters. Ang cute cute nyang ininom.

Tingin uli sa kin ang gwapo kasi sinuot ko yung 3D glasses na sinuot ko sa pelikulang Journey to the Centre of the Earth with Brendan Fraiser. Cute daw at napa-smile sya.hahaha Wafu talaga...woof woof.

Kaasar naman ang mga friends ko. Kasi ang aaga natapos, so hang-out sila sa bar. Eh di nila alam, I'm trying to make most of my time with Justin and flirt. Ayun, dinistract ako kaya di ko masyado nabigyan ng pansin si J.

Nung umalis na sila, tsaka ako bumira. Waaaaahhhh, patapos na daw sya.

Buti na lang, naimbita ko sya for one drink. Umuo naman. So he had another Lemon & Lime Bitters and we chatted. Ang gaga, pareho yung t-shirt nya nung isang araw. Di pa nilalabahan.haha Ayun, medyo I got to know him more. Like his new playstation daw na bigay sa kanya ng dad nya at tsaka yung konti nyang sweldo. Na chick-boy pala sya (bummer) and he likes to drink na. (kahit na 16 pa lang sya) Kasi nalasing daw sya sa flight nya when he was in Europe. Na he has Irish and British background, and a bit of Spanish. And he hated his 5 min stop over in Asia. (coz he felt sick and drunk) Yun lang...

And I said that he could sell his body. Kasi gwapo sya and he could make heaps of money. blah blah blah

Pero he had to go na. Shet. Fuck.

So inintay pala ako ng mga friends ko to hang out and have dinner. Mga gunggong na yun. Pero and laman lang ng isip ko at i-text sya (dahil ninakaw ko yung number nya sa work) and I had to come up with a great excuse to text him...payo ni Kuya Fais.

So during dinner, I took a deep breath and took courage in texting him. Mali ba??? Sabi ko, I'm glad he like my Lemon & Lime Bitters. It was great daw kasi. Niloko ko sya and said na I spat on it.hahaha

Tapos yun. Reply naman si gwapo at di naman nagalit na nasa akin yung number nya.

Nag-jelly na yung mga friends ko and they were wondering who I was texting all night. Akala nila yung kaaway ko.hahaha Kung alam lang nila.

Shet naman at naglow bat ako. Naka tatlong text lang tuloy kami.

So kagabi, sa bus, bago matulog, pag gising, sya lang ang nasa isip ko.

Medyo disappointed ako dahil mga 1 liners lang sya magtext back. And he's a chick-boy (super gwapo kasi). And in fairness, di ko sya masyadong kilala. Baka may girlfriend na pala ang gungong...paano yun.

Kanina...ti-next ko uli sya. Isa lang ang sagot. Shet. 3 times ko syang ti-next. Isa lang ang sagot.

Mali kaya???

Sya lang ang laman ng isip ko...Mahal ko na ata? Help.

OrangeTang*gina!!!

Sa Blacktown ko lang pala mahahanap ang mga copya of some of the great gay films of the Philippines, nagpapakahirap pa akong magdownload.

Here I found new copies of Daybreak, Ang Lihim ni Antonio, Sikil and the lesbo film Rome and Juliet. They also had a lot of the Provoq DVDs, some of the masahe ones and the lot...I'm sure to be coming here more often.

One day I hope they'll have Roxxxane, Serbis and Kambyo much more...

I've recently returned from holidays finding two issues of Out Mag delivered in our doorstep. So... I've been reading both issues on my 2 hour train rides in and out of work.

Luckily, I breezed through this issue and quite enjoyed reading a bit on Doogie Howser's Neil Patrick Harris for the September issue of Out. Great cover! He doesn't look like a manboy anymore and looks quite hot in this photoshoot. (more below) I'm not too sure about his dumb role in Harold & Kumar but heck. Can't wait to see him play gay in some indie movie one of these days.

Anywho, that's the not the reason for this blog. I just wanted to share my slow coming out story. Well anyways, I was in a real rush to go to work and since I've finished reading this issue, I left it on the sala table and rushed out.

Totally forgetting about it days later, Mum cleaned the house and lo and behold, I notice it sitting by it's lonesome on the table. And just like Neil Patrick Harris...it was proud and out.

Me wonders if Mum paid attention to the mag and actually browsed through it? Me wonders if she knows or even has the faintest clue??? I hope so...

And speaking of Neil...here's a few pics of him and his actor beau David Burtka that has surfaced the net quite recently. Fuck. Nice one Neil!!! If someone like that looky looky at me too, man I'd grab that thing! Gimme some of that anytime. Congrats!

I couldn't stop thinking about Justin today. Kahit na wala pang nangyayari sa amin. (like there will be daw kuno)

Nakwento ko na ba what happened last Thursday night?

Wait muna. Let me tell you more a bit about Justin: 5'6 and uber uber hot. Like super. Para syang adonis. Curlyish hair, super swimming pool blue eyes and a smile to die for. We've only just met (and I've blogged about him already with a small photo) and he's still kinda shy that's why I'm making the effort to be the nice Kuya (Yaaakkk) to him at work. I work in a bar and he works just across me on his shifts collecting tickets. Besides his great look, napansin ko, when there are no customers, he's always looking at me. O daba. Sign yun??? (or is it just me?)

So last Thursday night, on his break, he came up and spoke to me, like you would on your only half hour break. That's where I found out he loves to surf, he's partly Irish and some Spanish and his very nice. He was so happy when we were talking because we were getting paid (or just got paid on Friday). He's super young so he only gets $11 something. I've never seen anyone so excited about $11.haha Anyways, I said I was excited too as I needed to pay for a lot of things. He muttered, "Bills, food...(tapos pabulong) women?" Like he was after some reation after that. Is that a hint?hahaha

When the night finished and on the way out, when we were signing off, I noted that he has to see a manager to sign off again downstairs. Eh nagpalit na sya. He kept cursing and I was hitting his nape. He cursed again and I thought he was cursing at me for hitting his shoulder blades. Kasi he was at the beach all day and maybe he was sunburnt??? So I did it three times. Then I asked him what's wrong and he said he forgot to sign off sa baba. Shet. Eh when you sign off, you have to be in uniform. So he had to palit ulit. And just like that, he took his shirt off right in front of me.

OMGawd mga Ateng!!! I could've died and have gone to heaven. He is sssooooo ssssoooooo hot!!! For a 16 year old....oh youth.

O daba, mali. Like I'm super old compared to him. Pero tinutulak ako ng demonyo na tikman ang isa sa mga pinakamasarap pero pinakamaling tukso sa buhay ko...

Well, he's on again tomorrow night and on Wednesday. Hopefully I can find the chance to strike up a conversation again and wallow in his blue eyes. Maybe get a chance to ask him to a movie. (since we work at the cinemas anyways, it's almost free for us)
Wish me luck. I already know it shall never last...but heck, live la vida loca si?
I want to sing Kathy Perry's song "I kissed a boy and I liked it" and be crazy in love.

If you've seen the gay surfy movie "Shelter" (awesome film) then maybe you can see where I want this to be headed...

I'm so going to hell for this...haha

Alam ninyo ba yung feeling na to be super excited? When all of a sudden you're expecting so so much. Na sana...sana merong mangyari. Na maganda. Na magpapasaya sa 'yo kahit konti. Ganuon ka-exciting.

Ganito kasi yun.

At about 8pm tonight, 8th of October, in-invite ako ni Mitch sa Myspace account nya. Vahket???

Mga 2-3 months ago ko siguro nakilala si Mitch. Sa work. Actually sa train station. Bago pa lang sya nuon. Kaklase nya ata o ka-batch si Robert tsaka si Ruben sa high school nila na mga ka-work ko rin. Mga high-schoolers so yep, korek ka dyan, mga bata pa.

Pero si Mitch kakaiba. Super tangkad kasi nitong batang 'to at may dating. Mahiyain kaya di masyadong nagsasalita. Susunod, di ko rin alam kung anung mga araw sya nagtatrabaho.

Isang araw na lang, nag-hello si Mitch sa akin. Nagulat ako. May dila pala sya at mukhang mabait. Bigla tuloy akong nagka-crush sa kanya.

Meron nanamang araw nagkabanggaan kami sa work. May nasambit ako, parang "Having fun?" Tapos sumagot naman ang bata na, "Wanna swap?" (maypaka-pilyo din pala 'tong batang 'to) Eh sa bar ako nuon. Bata pa sya so hindi pa pwedeng humawak ng alcohol. I had to sway my head no and smile na lang. Sana Mitch...sana.

Pagkabalik ko sa holidays, nagkita uli kami ni Mitch. Ngayon naman medyo angat na sya. Sa Candybr na sya nagwo-work ngayon. Wow! Kinausap ko yung isang kasamahan nya at nasa likod ko sya parang nakikinig lang sa usapan namin. Siguro interesado? Tapos nung araw na yun, nililinis na nya yung popcorn machine. Eh ang tangkad-tangkad, nagulat ako. Kasi nuon, pag ako ang naglilinis ng popcorn machine, kailangan nakatungtong ako sa box. Eh sya, ang tangkad, hindi na kailangan. Napa-joke tuloy ako sa kanya at tumawa naman. Ang cute ng smile nya. Tapos napansin ko sa mga mata nya, parang gusto nya pang magusap. Yung nga lang, kinailangan na kong bumalik sa trabaho. Sayang. Ewan ko lang kung sign yun. Sana. Crush ko kasi sya.

Kahapon. may pasok uli sa Mitch. Umangat na si totoy at nasa box office na sya. Graveh. Bading kasi yung manager namin duon. Minsan namimili ng staff nya. Kaya siguro umangat si Mitch. Eh may outing ang mga barkada ko kahapon at sinubukan kong magbihis. Ang gwapo ko nga eh.haha (kapal) Sinubukan kong magpapansin sa kanya pero di nya ko nakita. Sayang uli.

Ngayon, di ko akalain, may pasok din pala uli sya. Patuloy ang pag-angat ni totoy at nasa Candybr cashiers na sya ngayon. Pag sumilip ka sa bar, kitang kita ko sya. Sinubukan kong magpapansin sa kanya pero wa epek. Pero napansin ko minsan tumitingin din sya sa akin, di lang nagkakasalubong ang mga mata namin. Sayang. Parang gusto naming dalawa pero ayaw ng tadhana.

Napansin ko kay Mitch, very attentive sya sa surroundings nya. Na gusto nya kilalanin ang mga tao bago sya magsalita. Yun din ang report ng kaibigan ko. Kaya nga sinusubukan ko kahit papaano. Pansin ko rin, medyo malungkot ang mga mata nya. Meron kaya syang tinatago???

Ang dami kong beses dumaan sa Candybr kanina. Kahit na anung excuse ginamit ko na para lang may pagkakataong magka-usap kami. Pero sa hapon na at sa huli lang kami medyo nagkatinginan sa mata. Napansin ko nga iniiwasan nya ang mga tingin ko. Either nahihiya o galit. Kasi, ang dami kong pinansin nung araw na yun. Pero sya hindi.

Kaya kanina, galit ako sa sarili ko sa nagawa ko. Kinailangang kong gawan ng paraan.

Kahapon may nahanap ako. Nung nag-sign-out kasi kami, may bagong questionaire na naka hilata sa harap ng computer. Andun hinihingi yung birthdate namin at tsaka e-mail address. Eh sa hapon na inilabas yung papel na yun kaya yung mga pang hapon lang ang nakapirma. Isa na duon si Robert tsaka si Mitch. Ako naman, pasimple, ni-log ko kaagad sa mobile ko yung e-mails nila.

Kagabi, gi-noogle search ko ang pangalan ng mahal ko na si Justin, ang mga crush kong si Robert at Mitch. Tiningnan ko kung meron silang blog or Facebook account or whatever. Yung meron ba kong mahahanap na kuonti kahit papaano sa kanila. Kay Justin talagang wala, si Robert medyo humihinay na ang crush ko sa kanya...at yun sapul, nahanap ko na may MySpace account pala si totoy.

Dahil sa galit ko sa sarili ko kanina, naghanap na ako ng sariling paraan para ma-contact si Mitch.

Kaya yun, ng mga 7 o'clock, naglakas loob na ko at sumulat ako sa account ni Mitch sa MySpace. Nagkunawari ako na nagsi-search ako ng mga tao sa work. Pretend lang at wala naman akong ini-expect na kapalit.

Tapos biglang tumibok ang puso ko.

Sumulat si Mitch, requesting to be my friend. Wowz!!!

Sana ito na. Sana pagpalain na ko ng Diyos, kahit na nilaan ko na ang puso ko kay Justin. Sana, kahit papaano, mahalikan ko si Mitch kahit isang beses lang. (kung hindi nga lang mahiyain 'tong batang ito.)

Ang gusto ko kay Mitch, at ito ang unang una kong napansin sa kanya nung nakilala ko sya, ay kahawig nya ang gwapong modelo na si Mark Dominic from Canada na nag pose for French gay mag Tetu Plage a couple of years ago. Medyo payat nga lang si Mitch, pero siguro magkaka-muscle din one day. Eto ang comparable pics:

Yun nga lang mga sis. Medyo nasawi kaagad ang puso ko. Kasi naman. Eh nung nag-invite kasi si totoy, naka-private yung page nya. Di ko tuloy kaagad na-assess. Nung pumayag na kong maging friends kami, ayun, pwede ko ng basahin yung page nya. Wala naman. Di mahilig mag-sulat at dalawa lang ang pics nya. Yung isa, hiniram lang nya sa kaibigan nya. Pero meron din kahit papaanong info. Like may gf na pala si gunggong at ang pangalan ay Liz. 18 na pala si Mitch at kaka-graduate lang sa Year 12.

Pero bakit ganun. Wala syang sinulat about himself. Parang may mga secrets pa rin? GF nya ba talaga o pressure lang from his friends? Tapos na kaya talaga sya? Nagre-review kaya sya para sa HSC nya? Anu kaya iniisip nya nung in-invite nya ko? Maguusap kaya kami sa work? Sasagutin nya kaya sulat ko?

Sana...may mga sagot ang mga katanungan ko.

I was just browsing QueerClick last night (one of my fave websites to visit when I'm horny) and drifted to their Chinese page.

Lo and behold, I see pics of Fafa Dennis. (aaaaaayyyyyy....akin yan!!!)
Paano ba yan. Nadiscover na sya ng Queerclick at nahanap na sya ng mga intsik!

FaFa akin ka lang ha. Labs na labs kita! *promis*

Here's a sample of the posted images: (click to make it larger)