J-U-S-T-I-N H-O-R-A-N.

I can't stop thinking about you. :(

They played my song to you on the plane. I miss you.

Justin's back.

FUCK!

I'm starting to slowly appreciate chatting to Victoria. Though she's way younger than me, her innocence in love is actually teaching me a lot of things. The last time we hung out, she taught me about 'anxiety attacks'. She felt this everytime she saw her old flame Javier. I know this feeling she talks about. When you get all crammy and you feel this weird feeling inside and you get a little nervous. These 'anxiety attacks' happens to me everytime I see Justin. Lately my heart would beat so fast, my arms would literally shake and my knees would go weak. Then I can't think straight, like I'm all over the shop.

I'm starting to learn how to control them. I only saw Justin today for less than a second. And yet, I still had a micro anxiety attack. But I took a breath and looked away.

Tonight, though it was a brief 10mins, I learnt another thing from Victoria. She spoke of 'Passive Love'. It's when a you know a person likes/loves you and yet they will never ever make a move unless the other person does. I can't believe it. I'm a passive lover. I've seen so many people get hurt with love, that I've been so careful about it. I need to make sure that the other person feels the same way about me. And if they do, then they need to feel it stronger. And when it just so happens that I fall in love first, then I become passive and I wait to make a move. Subtle moves. I guess I did this with Justin. Stalker-like. With the drinks, the flowers, the cards and letters etc.

And I still ended up hurt. Fuck!!!

What is the meaning of Love?

I'm all over the shop trying to figure this out.

If I was asked what I am like when I fall in love...I would say amorous, stalker-like and romantic.

I was reading a passage of the book "Eat Love Pray" and how she was when she falls in love...and... I am exactly like that.

What's weird is that when I AM in Love, I hear, read and stumble upon that person's name all the time. Like seriously!!! The weirdest one was when I was in this bad infatuation with a bloke I knew from our church group named Paolo. He was tall, charming and really cute, and Filipino. He kinda grew up here so his Tagalog was kinda bulol.haha But he was cute and at times after the meetings, he'd need me to drop him off. I think there was that sense of 'neediness' for me that kept that fire going, plus he was the one that introduced himself first. (the spark) Immediate crush material! I kept writing him love letters and dropping them off in his mailbox secretly. (stalker) At times, I'd make the odd phone call just to speak to him. (girl!) Then he killed it off by catching me one day and he asked begged me to tell him who was the 'secret admirer'. I think in the back of his head he always knew it was me.

But my point is, Paolo is quite an unusual name. But I saw it everywhere. It was the name of shops, tags in clothes, people in books and magazines. I never noticed how many Paolo's there were in this world until that time.

I saw Paolo a couple of days ago. He was looking at me at the station but I think he was shy to say hello. Me too. I haven't reached my goals yet and when I have, I am not ready to present myself to the world again.

I saw Justin yesterday. For a very long time (like weeks), this was our first encounter. It was only a minuscule of a second. But that single moment of time had the most tragic affect on me. Like a huge wave of tsunami just crashed all over me. I blushed, my heart raced, my knees went all wobbly, I couldn't speak properly, think straight (or gay for that matter) and I was all over the shop. And it wasn't even for a second...

So what's wrong with me?

It was his dazzling sky blue eyes.

Sure you can think that I am in love. But how can I be? When the guy hates my guts, I have not spent even an equation of a day with him and I don't know a thing about him and I'm old enough to be his uncle. (paedophile!)

Sure, girls can gush over their idols and singers and post up posters of them in their walls or wallpaper them in their phones and profess their undying love for them. But is this Love?

I believe this is admiration.

But could admiration cause sweats, red cheeks and weak knees or dyslexia? Or is this the true calling of "Love"?

I wish someone could enlighten me.

But then again...people have been known to cry over Elvis and Michael Jackson. (I'm not there yet...)

I dreamt of J last night.

It was so weird. I was somehow sitting in the bar with some people from work and we were just chatting. What was odd was that we were sitting on those seats like you are in a swimming pool and we were kinda laughing and having fun.

Then I heard my name. And it was him. It was Justin. (and behind him was Gil waiting with him) He was saying hello to me and he paused and smiled for a long while. Like he knew that we haven't seen each other for so long and that we should forget what happened in the past. Like he was willing to let it all go and just start all over again as if nothing happened.

It was like all my prayers were answered.

I stood up and smiled at him also.

It felt so real that I was confused when I woke up.

He looked a little different though. A little older, a little paler with heavier eye bags and short short hair. He wasn't as stunning as I usually see him...but it was him and he was willing to forgive me and I felt so much relief.

I was just on myspace account and last viewed: 401 counts.

Hmmm...who's been viewing me?

I wonder if J's actually been on mysite since now he knows my surname. (methinks)

So I've managed to move around my schedules so that I can catch up with all the good films that are showing at this years Mardi Gras Gay Film Festival. And I've chosen a winner (thank God) for my first film which is Were the World Mine. In a nutshell, it's based around Timothy, a high school castaway, mocked by his jock classmates for being gay. He manages to turn things around by auditioning for a the annual play which is Midsummer's Night Dream by Shakespeare. Yadda yadda yadda, he manages to find a magic Love Potion in the book which eventuates into a purple flower. The magic of the flower, is that once you've been squirted by it's magic juice, you'll turn gay. Hence, Timothy uses it for his glory and turns the whole town gay, including the love-of-his-life jock boy Jonathan. Noice Kimmy!

When the movie started I got so excited because I thought, "OMG, this is like the gay version of High School Musical!" lolz

All I could think about was Justin.

Besides the main star Tanner Cohen (who plays Timothy and was cute enough to make me to purchase the movie ticket), I really couldn't keep my eye off Nathaniel David Becker (playing jock boy Jonathan). Isn't he a dreamboat??? All I could think of was, "Man, look at those abs and thin waist and oh so supple white skin!!! Yum!" He kinda reminds me of that red head dude from Ugly Betty who plays her boss. But yummier because he kisses boys here.hahaha His got a nice voice too and I can't wait to see him again in other films.

I hate to say this, but deep inside, I really picked to watch this movie because I wanted to get into the heads of High School boys and what they go through. Just so that I can understand Justin a bit more.

In an interview with Nathan, he says, What did he like about playing Jonathan? “Anyone who represses emotions, or a feeling, is a very interesting character. He fits in so well on the outside and on the inside he’s such an outsider — or so he feels — and that’s what drew me to Jonathan.”

I wonder if Justin is anything like that. Fuck, I can't stop thinking about him. I wish I could read minds and just pick his brain!

Watch some Youtube stuff:
The Trailer


An interview in Miami with the main cast


Interview with the director in Japan

This is the 2nd day since the "Valentine-Justin-Shut-Down" incident and I seem fine. Hmmm...each day seems to get better. Maybe it's not as bad as I thought?

The sun is finally shining. Maybe that's a good sign? Plus I dreamt of water and river (methinks) last night. That's supposed to be good signs.

I wonder how he's holding up. He's pretty courageous to comfront me. I wonder if he thinks about me or whatever happened when he's bored at school? Hmmm...

*bummer*

I was hanging out with Ness today because it was such a DVD day, it's my day-off and the weather sucked. So I came over for some pizza and maybe a LOTR marathon.

Then we got talking about her Valentine's night which I dogged and she started telling me about the pubs they went to and the Irish boy that tried to pick her up at PJ's. Guess what his name is??? Of course it's Justin. Of all the names in the world...it'd be that.

And during the course of the evening, she mentioned his name 14 times. Thank you! Thank you very much. And here I am trying to distract myself from thinking about him.

Fuck.

What a Valentines Day. Fucking shit.

Justin shut me down. Fuck!

I'm feeling a lot melancholy. It's kinda wet outside and Mum and I have just seen "In the Land of Women" again. Adam Brody is sooo cool. And I think I'm going to use the word 'phenomenal' in replacement to 'awesome' from now on. 'Awesome' has become overused. I was actually teaching that to a French guy who came by at work today whose English is kinda bad.

Whilst watching the movie, I was also reading Notebook magazine, just 'coz I've already seen the movie. There was a page where they were showcasing how to cook and bake nectarines, peaches and the lot. Very summer fruits. And the first page had a fruit pie. (maybe with peaches?) Yum! Then I remembered 'Pushing Daisies' and how the dude there makes so much awesome pies. And I thought, I want to find awesome pie places in Sydney. Just like that. Then I can munch on them and gobble them up.

Then I thought of Wilson. Not in that way. Just 'coz we're becoming good friends. Good enough friends to start a bromance. And I wanted to text him. Tell him that we should hang out again and find a really cool pie place and have coffee. Except he doesn't drink coffee. But then again I didn't want to text him anymore. Just 'coz I text him too much and I don't want to come off the wrong way. He was telling me the other day how he was checking his phone and re-read all his messages and I think he mentioned that 90% of his text messages was from me. Whoops! Stalker. Yuk! Well at least he kept all my messages.

And I realised there and then that that's me calling out. Me wanting to share myself. Not so much blabber on the phone, but just share myself. I mean I hate talking about myself, but I love sharing my thoughts. And I've become very good at that. Through texting. I've become an avid texter!!! Is anything wrong with that? Not that anyone really reads this blog. Just sharing myself here is enough I guess.

Oh BTW, I think I should really end it with Justin. Not that there's anything going on between us. But I called the florist that I usually call to send him flowers. And I wanted to send him flowers for Valentines Day. Of course. And all was going well. I even went to the bank and put money on my credit card just to make sure all goes well. And the lady on the other end knew about me. My feelings for Justin and all that jazz. Until...

Until she called me back this afternoon telling me about her husbands note to her. That the last time they delivered flowers to him, he told them not to come anymore. That when someone orders flowers for him, that they should just throw the flowers out. That's pretty sad dude. It kinda broke my heart. *tear* And I pondered about that a lot on the train home. That either he doesn't like flowers or just doesn't want anything to do with me. Ever!

That hurts dude.

And I thought, well I don't even know if he knows that it's me? Because for the last month or two we haven't spoken. Not a decent conversation during the last months. And he looked like he was disgusted with me. For flowers? What the Fuck!? He should be so lucky. That someone even thought to be romantic and show him all this love.

Do you think my love is wasted? Because I want to share myself and heck, I'm not a bad catch. Like seriously.

And so I got to thinking why I'm so hung up on this guy. Why oh why I cannot move forward. Why can't I just pick myself up and hook myself to someone else? Someone better. Someone who wold love me back and appreciate me for who I am. And the answer is...

Because stupid cupid has shot his arrow. Fuck! On me! Double fuck!

I'm so screwed.

I was reading this article on Notebook by this woman author who loves writing about romance. And there was a question about what romance is? And it's true what she said. That it's different for everyone. It is. And then she goes on about how she loves writing about moments. Like how this super cool dude in a tie and a suit washed the dog of the woman he liked and never took his suit off. Even if it was getting wet and full of suds. And that was a moment. How it defined 'Love' in a such a small way, but those are the lasting memories. One's that makes you gush and blush and have warm fuzzy feelings.

My warm and fuzzy feeling with Justin was when I was cleaning the coffee machine once and he had his back on me. Then he kept turning around and looking at me and I kept wondering what he was doing. And then he leaped and came across me and said, "I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here!" Then my heart skipped a beat, the arrow in my heart dug deeper and I fell in love even more. I mean who says that to a person???

So now, after watching "In the Land of Women" with my Mum, and I'm feeling all melancholy, I was thinking, the florist was just a small hurdle. That if my love for Justin is bigger than my heart, then I should make the effort and drive to Justin's house by the morning and drop a bunch or roses whether he liked it or not.

Persistence goes a long way!!!

Justin's last day at work.

I couldn't bring myself to come and see him off. I'd rather it be like this and have me something to look forward to in the future.

And accidental bump on the plane. Running to each other on the train carrying his blonde little boy. Grabbing coffee at the same Starbucks. Hopping on the same ferry towards the island of Santorini in Greece.

I dunno. Something.

Instead I'm out with a straigh half-Russian half-Colombian boy who can't stop talking about his latest crush on a beautiful Swedish girl. His a fun date though.

I've been scoping out Valentines cards at the book and card shop in the city. See if there's anything that jumps at me. Actually there was one cool mobile-open-it-up-&-it-jumps-at-you card but it's for $12.95. (yakkkzzz)

Guess the guys are worth it.

I've decided to send Justin a bunch of red roses (yowzers expensive) and a card for Mitch...since he's so hawt and he's such a crush of mine. I love you Mitch!

I think if I prayed more...maybe Justin and I will be ok. As in friendswise maybe. (???)

It happened again. I was feeling all wobbly during the day and I couldn't explain it. Like I was weak in the knees. I wasn't sure if God has placed this thing on me where it works like a sign...to warn me.

I tested it today. Wobbly knees = Justin.

I walked around the whole area to check if he was due to work today. Nothing. He wasn't rostered on. *phew*

...Until he walked in at 6pm in his uniform. I couldn't explain it. He wasn't covering for anyone. He just walked in. I think they let him work because we were short staffed.

Yep. Wobbly = Justin.

Though I was making sure that I wasn't paying any attention to him all night, there was still a few things I noticed. Like how he's turned quite serious of late. Something about his face. Less smile, just that stern look that lingers. I noticed how most of the night he was working by himself. Usually they all work in groups. But he kept to himself. I noticed how he was the one who kept changing over Jake on point instead of anybody else. Maybe by this time he noticed me with my friends. Talking. Drinking. Laughing. Something. I noticed he noticed that I'm good friends with everyone. Like how I was playing games with Vipesh on point. I hope he noticed. I saw him looking at us from the second floor. I noticed that he sometimes looks back now (again) when he's on the escalators. I noticed like clockwork, he's the one that changes over the other person at 9pm. Just enough time (an hour) for us to be in close proximity with each other. I noticed that he's changing and he's getting better. He was now facing the normal way just like before. He wasn't as tensed as before where his whole back would totally face me. I noticed how he let out my customers and was willing to step in my bar. These are good changes that kinda softens my heart.

For like 10 seconds...we were aprroximately a metre apart from each other. Him at point and me in the bar just wiping the benches. It was so tense. We were both trying hard not to look at each other. My knees went wobbly. Aw gawd.

I thank God. The prayers are working this time and I'm glad. There is still a little tension and one day I wish he'd just courage it up and ask for a drink. Then maybe...just maybe, we can get back as to how we used to be. Just a few more prayers...

I laid sleepless last night.

I couldn't stop thinking about Justin and what could've been. I could've been more accommodating. I could've given him a drink and we could've have had small talk.

I jogged for an hour and I felt ashamed of myself. I am better than this...

It has ended even before it started. Justin and I are over.

Karma has really hit me.

It was such a weird night. I saw him come to work at 5pm. I wasn't even as excited as I used to be. I didn't do anything special to my hair or anything. I did splash on some cologne just in case.

When he signed on he sped off back outside. I thought something bad had happened and they sent him home. I felt sad. I wish I knew things. Luckily, I think he was just sent to buy some milk. I was coming down the big stairs when I noticed him with a plastic bag and he was playing with his two-way. I quickly played with my new phone and pretended not to see him.

At the start of the day I really wanted this to be a new year. Maybe...just maybe...Justin and I could be just friends. In my head, the scenario I played was that he would be at point. I would see him and I would greet him a Happy New Year! Maybe I could casually ask him what he did? And then we'd proceed from there.

I didn't really see him all night. It was a really busy time at work and there were a gazillion people. Rupa was on point mainly all night. I've been doing a 12 hour shift so by the time 7:30 hit, I was already out of it. Stephen jumped on point around 7pm. Justin was about to relieve him but I prayed not, as I was going on my break. I really wanted that chance.

I wasn't expecting it, but Justin caught me at the having my break at Cinema 6. There was a pause there when he noticed me but I didn't look. I thought it was just Emed, judging from the heavy footsteps that climbed the stairs. I didn't realise he had really heavy footsteps. He looked at me, did his cinema check, went behind me and left. The crazy person in me believes that he was checking me out that's why he took so long to do his checks.

In the back of my mind, I was hoping that it was going to be him at point, and then he'd do his usual look at me coming down from the escalators which I loved. But alas, it wasn't him.

We had a chance encouter at Candybar when I was grabbing coffee mugs and I think he just had a drink of water from the back. We looked at each other for a second but I was back at the bar before he even caught up with me.

By 8ish he was finally at point. But it was super hectic and he didn't even had the chance to glance my way. It had gotten a little quiet at the bar so I was able to pay attention to him. That's when I took the photo. By this time I had realised the inevitable. He's lost interest. I could tell by his body language. His back was now facing the bar. Before, he would always be facing the bar. Which gave him a chance to look at me.

I don't know what had changed. Like he hated me and I too hated him. I hated him for not being man enough to own up to his feelings for me...if he ever had any. He was gutless. I mean I know he's only 16, but if he had guts to admit his feelings for a girl, why not me. Ok, I know owning up to be gay is quite tough for any kid...but I wish he could tell me.

It got really busy for the both of us. So busy that one of the managers was even helping him. I don't think he liked that.

By 9:30 it was already super quiet. I had packed and cleaned up and he had all the vantage point. I was giving all the signs to come and courage up enough guts to even say hi. Nada. What a wuss!!! Justin you're a wuss!!!

And this time his body language was even worst. He was now totally looking outside which he's NEVER done before. There was a moment in time when I'd count the times he would look my way. My fingers weren't even enough to count at how much he had looked at me within a minutes time. I was sure then he was really into me. I don't know now. He never even glanced. And if he did, I had my back turned at him. I'm sure he peeked a few times. But this time I wasn't buying into it anymore.

Maybe it's me. I really wanted to give him a nice drink tonight. But that would be me succumbing again to his beauty. He has NEVER given back one thing to me. The last time I gave him an alcoholic beverage to him and his girlfriend he didn't even thank me. I gave him a Christmas card and he was super cold. I think if I had come to my senses, he's not really that into me. Or else he would've said something by now.

There was a moment I caught him checking his mobile. The crazy person in me was thinking ihe was checking if he had any missed calls from a private number. I used to prank him during his working hours to confuse him. The pranks had stopped months ago.

He left. I think he had felt hopeless like I was feeling. He came down the escalators looking at me but I paid no heed. He signed out and when he came back out I was sure he glanced at me. I didn't pay no heed. He left defeated.

On the train I was trying to analyse it. All of it.

I came to the conclusion that we both must know. Or else he wouldn't be acting like he is. Why has he turned so cold all of a sudden? What changed?

I'll just need to wait. I haven't totally given yup on him. He is the most beautiful boy that I've ever met in my life and I yearn and pray for that kiss. In my fanatasies I meet him in 5-10 years time and he is sorry and more mature and succumbs to my powers. I think that's what I seek. His maturity. I want him to be more coraugeous and knowing. I want him to be sure of what he wants. I think he's either a lot confused right now or just don't know how to handle these kinds of things.

I'm contemplating of sending him flowers again for his 17th Birthday this coming days. But I don't know how he will feel about that??? I don't even know if he recieved the chess that I sent him?

FUCK!!!! "I hate this part right here..."

I just can't seem to get away with it can I. I've just started watching Season 3 of Brothers & Sisters and once again I am hooked. Then I heard Justin's name. Surely surely, there aren't that much Justin's in the world. So why???

I thought this vid shot of Justin Walker was hot. So mature, demure and alluring.

I pray the universe is hearing the yearning of my heart...

"Bakla ka! Dapat panindigan mo dahil gusto mo sya di ba?"
quote from Circle (Indie film) Ganun ba talaga?

My heart aches. I know it's sad. I can feel it's pain.

If I had a quote for today, it would say "My Life if meaningless without you." Ang drama noh...

Pero ganun talaga. Parang wala akong gana sa lahat. Walang ganang magtrabaho. Magsulat ng Christmas cards, magbalot ng regalo. Kumain. Gusto ko lang humiga at matulog o kaya mag-emote sa harap ng TV. Wala pang nagmamahal sa akin. Walang text. *beh*

Justin didn't come to work again. I don't know why I'm taking it personally. When I found out from Pascal that he gave away his shift, I took it as a blow. I felt like he was trying to avoid me. Trying every possible way not to see me. I'm crazy this way, when I know it has NOTHING to do with me. Pascal explained later (after I nagged him) that he had some school stuff on. I wanted to really believe that. Except, the boys told me that school finished last week. The fact that none of the boys from his school turned up today was hope that Justin told Pascal the right thing.

But I miss seeing him. Badly.

I had a missed call today from a private number. Deep down I wished it was him...

Yung anu pa, meron sa pelikula na Circle na pinapanood ko na may pangalang Justin. *bah*