It has ended even before it started. Justin and I are over.

Karma has really hit me.

It was such a weird night. I saw him come to work at 5pm. I wasn't even as excited as I used to be. I didn't do anything special to my hair or anything. I did splash on some cologne just in case.

When he signed on he sped off back outside. I thought something bad had happened and they sent him home. I felt sad. I wish I knew things. Luckily, I think he was just sent to buy some milk. I was coming down the big stairs when I noticed him with a plastic bag and he was playing with his two-way. I quickly played with my new phone and pretended not to see him.

At the start of the day I really wanted this to be a new year. Maybe...just maybe...Justin and I could be just friends. In my head, the scenario I played was that he would be at point. I would see him and I would greet him a Happy New Year! Maybe I could casually ask him what he did? And then we'd proceed from there.

I didn't really see him all night. It was a really busy time at work and there were a gazillion people. Rupa was on point mainly all night. I've been doing a 12 hour shift so by the time 7:30 hit, I was already out of it. Stephen jumped on point around 7pm. Justin was about to relieve him but I prayed not, as I was going on my break. I really wanted that chance.

I wasn't expecting it, but Justin caught me at the having my break at Cinema 6. There was a pause there when he noticed me but I didn't look. I thought it was just Emed, judging from the heavy footsteps that climbed the stairs. I didn't realise he had really heavy footsteps. He looked at me, did his cinema check, went behind me and left. The crazy person in me believes that he was checking me out that's why he took so long to do his checks.

In the back of my mind, I was hoping that it was going to be him at point, and then he'd do his usual look at me coming down from the escalators which I loved. But alas, it wasn't him.

We had a chance encouter at Candybar when I was grabbing coffee mugs and I think he just had a drink of water from the back. We looked at each other for a second but I was back at the bar before he even caught up with me.

By 8ish he was finally at point. But it was super hectic and he didn't even had the chance to glance my way. It had gotten a little quiet at the bar so I was able to pay attention to him. That's when I took the photo. By this time I had realised the inevitable. He's lost interest. I could tell by his body language. His back was now facing the bar. Before, he would always be facing the bar. Which gave him a chance to look at me.

I don't know what had changed. Like he hated me and I too hated him. I hated him for not being man enough to own up to his feelings for me...if he ever had any. He was gutless. I mean I know he's only 16, but if he had guts to admit his feelings for a girl, why not me. Ok, I know owning up to be gay is quite tough for any kid...but I wish he could tell me.

It got really busy for the both of us. So busy that one of the managers was even helping him. I don't think he liked that.

By 9:30 it was already super quiet. I had packed and cleaned up and he had all the vantage point. I was giving all the signs to come and courage up enough guts to even say hi. Nada. What a wuss!!! Justin you're a wuss!!!

And this time his body language was even worst. He was now totally looking outside which he's NEVER done before. There was a moment in time when I'd count the times he would look my way. My fingers weren't even enough to count at how much he had looked at me within a minutes time. I was sure then he was really into me. I don't know now. He never even glanced. And if he did, I had my back turned at him. I'm sure he peeked a few times. But this time I wasn't buying into it anymore.

Maybe it's me. I really wanted to give him a nice drink tonight. But that would be me succumbing again to his beauty. He has NEVER given back one thing to me. The last time I gave him an alcoholic beverage to him and his girlfriend he didn't even thank me. I gave him a Christmas card and he was super cold. I think if I had come to my senses, he's not really that into me. Or else he would've said something by now.

There was a moment I caught him checking his mobile. The crazy person in me was thinking ihe was checking if he had any missed calls from a private number. I used to prank him during his working hours to confuse him. The pranks had stopped months ago.

He left. I think he had felt hopeless like I was feeling. He came down the escalators looking at me but I paid no heed. He signed out and when he came back out I was sure he glanced at me. I didn't pay no heed. He left defeated.

On the train I was trying to analyse it. All of it.

I came to the conclusion that we both must know. Or else he wouldn't be acting like he is. Why has he turned so cold all of a sudden? What changed?

I'll just need to wait. I haven't totally given yup on him. He is the most beautiful boy that I've ever met in my life and I yearn and pray for that kiss. In my fanatasies I meet him in 5-10 years time and he is sorry and more mature and succumbs to my powers. I think that's what I seek. His maturity. I want him to be more coraugeous and knowing. I want him to be sure of what he wants. I think he's either a lot confused right now or just don't know how to handle these kinds of things.

I'm contemplating of sending him flowers again for his 17th Birthday this coming days. But I don't know how he will feel about that??? I don't even know if he recieved the chess that I sent him?

FUCK!!!! "I hate this part right here..."