I'm starting to slowly appreciate chatting to Victoria. Though she's way younger than me, her innocence in love is actually teaching me a lot of things. The last time we hung out, she taught me about 'anxiety attacks'. She felt this everytime she saw her old flame Javier. I know this feeling she talks about. When you get all crammy and you feel this weird feeling inside and you get a little nervous. These 'anxiety attacks' happens to me everytime I see Justin. Lately my heart would beat so fast, my arms would literally shake and my knees would go weak. Then I can't think straight, like I'm all over the shop.

I'm starting to learn how to control them. I only saw Justin today for less than a second. And yet, I still had a micro anxiety attack. But I took a breath and looked away.

Tonight, though it was a brief 10mins, I learnt another thing from Victoria. She spoke of 'Passive Love'. It's when a you know a person likes/loves you and yet they will never ever make a move unless the other person does. I can't believe it. I'm a passive lover. I've seen so many people get hurt with love, that I've been so careful about it. I need to make sure that the other person feels the same way about me. And if they do, then they need to feel it stronger. And when it just so happens that I fall in love first, then I become passive and I wait to make a move. Subtle moves. I guess I did this with Justin. Stalker-like. With the drinks, the flowers, the cards and letters etc.

And I still ended up hurt. Fuck!!!